leading vs supporting role

This is something that went through my mind constantly
before i decided to work behind the scenes:

leading vs supporting roles

in a film, the leading and supporting role may have the same time slots
but the differences lie in paycheck, publicity and fame

i ask my self:

who gets the honor no matter who gives more or less? God

who gets the honor no matter who did what and did not do what? God

who gets the honor no mattter who did the right thing or the wrong thing? God

then i ask myself the ultimate question:

why are you not doing more,

doing the right thing

and be accepting of others' conduct?

deep inside,

i question my own belief in God,

my attitude in the Word Of God

i may have studied and listened,

but His Calling did not embed in my heart

this is a problem i have to deal with

Jesus did not die in vain
my service in Him will not go down in vain
My life is not in vain
i do not want to waste my time walking in circle

What does it matter who does more or less?

What does it matter who does it and doesn't?

What does it matter who did it right and wrong?

What is important ....

kingdom of God advances

self-improvement

unity

new potential discovery

growth in people and numbers

Angie, move on

i really need to get over it,
my emotion control is much better than before,
much under-control
under the authority and in the grace of God

Let me vent it out for one last time...
LAST...

(1) i give others support, why do not others?
if you do something, i will be there for you.
if you need help, i will be there to back you up
if you do it wrong or insufficient, i will make it up for you
i am not taking credit, but do you know that these very little things take great effort and concern for you.
is it too much to ask from others just a little bit of encouragement. IS IT?

(2) why don't you offer help in practical ways?
stop talking and start doing
stop blaming and take charge and innitiative
do not push aside your weaknesses and inadequancies by pointing out others
stop grumbling and do it for others (i never point out what i did for others in the dark, i do not understand why people have to directly or indirectly mention it even if it is so menial)

Sometimes these are pushing me to a side and over my limit,

- why should i do it?
- is it my duty?
-whatever (pretend not to listen and can't hear a word or do not understand)
- sit around and wait for anything or anyone.
- i do not care or bother...
- why should i respect you when you do not learn how to?
- why should i do it whilst you are just relaxing?
- Who do you think you are? What are you treating me as?
- do not try to impose your authority on me. Only God can push me to move.
- i am not doing it for anyone but God. So, stop commanding...
- why should i be there for you, when you are never around when i need someone.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

I do the spiritual gifting test times and times again, from different resources or even the same resource,
it is verdict that i am gifted in

Help / Service
Hospitality

why did i have to do the test repeatedly?
- because there is no glam and shine about a helper

then, i think of Jesus who is always prepare to serve and wash His disciples' feet
and i tell myself, by serving others, i am serving with Jesus

finally, i succumb to God's gift and i say " i do not want to take this cup. But, if it is your will, i shall drink from it. Amen."

Then i test it by stepping out of the zone and try to overshine, lead and command
it does not work.

Proofs:
(1) i do things better when i am alone. In the presence of others, i could not do much. too much of distraction. i concentrate on people more than task at hand. i do not look efficient in the eyes of others. but i deliver results each and EVERYTIME.
(2) no one will listen to my commands and obey even if i force unto it, sweet-talked and explode in anger. people like it if i do things in their way, knowing that i will support.
(3) People like me to complete tasks for them even if they are leaders and suppose to lead by example but did not offer that. if i was the leader and ask for completion, i doubt the delivery will be faithful.

Problems in the HOG:
(1) Everyone wants to lead but no want wants to serve. Proof: people function better when assigned FORMALLY, need to be taught CONSTANTLY
(2) Everyone likes to talk but in action (zero)
(3) Everyone likes to be supported but little wants to support
(4) Everyone needs to be imparted values to move. Come on, think and evaluate yourself, contribute FIRST...

i could just sit around and pretend to be gullible

put on a smiling face
play my part

just give a few of innocent remarks:

i have no idea

what? i do not get what you are saying

the best answer:

do not reply

tilt my head away

pretend to be thinking of other things

better still, don't think a thing

Angie,

who are you fooling? Jesus?
i can never hide from you...
how can i hide from you....

your love for me brings me to light....

i do not want to hide

let me take cover beneath your mighty arms