covenant part 2: flushed away

monday 1st June 2009
it was another prayer meeting in the church
but this time it was different

it was like i was preparing mentally and emotionally for that moment
the moment of being touched by God



i was not the kind of person easily
tear out in the presence of people

normally, i cry alone, in the dark, behind the doors



but it was so different that night
i was like i was preparing and waiting for this opportunity to speak to God
AGAIN.....

i ask God to heal me and i will evangelise the rest of my life
everyday of my life
my life will be the field of salvation
i ask for the gifting of evangelism again
i think i lost the touch many, many years ago

i have a health condition that deteriorates
that it affects my social life
a social stigma
let me decode.....
my oesophagus backflows
i could spit out little pieces of food
that are half digested
yuck.....it is
has been so for some time
it was not that serious but the food just slurping out
my digestive system is crashing down

i am so afraid
i just cannot rid off it

then i prayed to God
when i came home that night
i drunk a whole bottle of water
if i could not vomit, i shall flush it out

before this......
i am thinking of self-induced vomitting
like digging into throat until i puke
but i dare not
i do not want to become anoreksic

i dare not drink too much water
thinking that if i do
my enzymes may not function in unsuitable pH condition

i overthink
maybe this is digestive / phsycological
or a spiritual warfare

i ran to God
and asked for a complete recovery

i am now in recovering stages
i just drank volumes of water
if it keep surging up
i will drink water to flush it out

i do not care if i could not digest or absorb the food
better still, I could be slimmer and healthier
water makes me full

the more i drink, the more i think that my actual problem is
my osmotic concentration is unbalanced
my body is crying out for "water"
my ignorance deteriorates my health
i am drinking too much coffee
adding acidity to my system
it messes up my hormones

i am not talking about a dietary program here
i am talking about a mentality shift

a parallel connection of:
water = holy spirit (cleanses me)
backflowed food = unconfessed sins (so it keep coming out)
coffee = deterrences (obstacles between me and God, a hiding place, use coffee to stay awake and stuff, addiction)

everything that goes through in our lives means something in the heavenly realm
important to care attentively to every decision we make and actions we do

my meal ends at 5pm everyday
it is a miracle that eating opportunities really end at 5pm
as i mentioned in my previous blog that i would fast
and guess what: fasting is good for my health (fasting is the answer to my better health!)

Through this process,
God answers my prayers and helps me through this:
(1) my health
(2) my fasting plan (my health is on thin line that no food nor coffee can tempt me)
(3) my courage to evangelise (i have committed to God and could not take back my words)
(4) come out of hiding place in every area of my life (diet, habits, thinking)

God really loves me that He works in a way or many ways in a way i could understand and find no resistance anymore

it is once and for all done
for many corrupted areas of my life

i want to give the highest praises to my Lord
You really care so much for me that You took all these troubles
to make me understand
The Holy Spirit intercedes for me despite my internal struggle and sinful mind
Jesus Christ has won this battle for me, Amen!

i was healed because i caught on the faith in God!
i came to an end and kneeled down to you!

i search for an eternity long and i was found in You!

covenant part 1: take my breathe away

sometime around 5 years ago

i was crying so hard in the toilet

that i could not breath

i was not crying for myself

but it was a holy sorrow

i cried for the lost souls in my life

God gave me the compassionate heart

to evangelise

to work in the field of salvation

i would be harvesting the ripe crops

i was then given the gift of evangelism

that moment i made a covenant with God

He touched my heart

and i answered His Calling

there was no thunder

my body was not shaking

there was in short,

nothing perculiar physically or at sight

but spiritually

something miracluous had happened

even when a friend came into the toilet unsuspectedly

she asked me, "are you all right?"

i cried so hard

that i cannot answer

but just nodded my head and washed my face

i was not a great teacher of the word

but i always like to serve and love people

my ministry was very simple

just make some tong sui, package them

and had them delivered to brothers and sisters houses

i still remembered i used to collect transparent little containers

after buying tou hua from pasar malam

wash them and stack them

after distributing the tong sui

it was so difficult to take back the containers from them

i had to amass these containers from my coursemates too

i just could not able to keep up

with the "missing" containers

and then, caring ministry

like preparing cards or birthday presents

a few of us, sisters would made little cards

for any occasion, imaginable

that was then some unfortunate incidents

where innocent brothers would fall in love with these caring "sisters"

Ha, how adorable..... (smiling)

when i asked the visitors

whether at special events

or care groups

"Do you want to accept Christ?"

usually they accepted

then we said the Sinner's Prayer

i could not remember the times that they did not

the harvest was so ready that ripe crops were everywhere

the spiritual atmosphere was so high

as there were frequent gospel rallies

in Johor

at those moments ..............

i did not feel supported

a church should support and complete each other

but i could not get it

i am not perfect

althought Jesus Christ had made me whole

i need someone else to care and teach these new Christians

i could convert them

but what happened next...

i was like an underaged single parent

unable to cater the needs of these children

after giving birth, i was so lost with these young spiritual kids

the brothers of my church

was obsessed with individualistic type of ministry

everything was seen as "own"

my caregroup

my bible class

more of lone ranger

with heroic complex

sisters were interested

in loving and caring

everyone seemed want to be under

spotlight and attention

it was like a superstar contest

i was so depressed beyond word when my little spiritual babies:

(1) financially capacitated and borrowed money without paying

(2) dated with non-Christians

(3) there is even one who committed suicide

who else has this kind of spiritual resume

what i did was a shame to the Kingdom of God.....

i threw my gift from God away

not instantly but gradually

i no longer use the gifting anymore

i was not saving them

i was destroying them

God is good and real

but i was not a good servant of God

i asked God, "Why do you use me

when i could not carry Your works well?"

if they were not under my care

perhaps, they would have a better turn out

Is it my desire to have them believe in Christ?

Am i really doing the Works of God?

i was so scared of my:

sins

shortcomings

the consequences

i feel sorry for these people.....

i am so sorry

God, you died for me when i was still a sinner

You use me when i was still a sinner

I am still a sinner

but no longer bounded by my sins

You freed me

Along the way, You wanted me to understand a few important points

Thank you for not giving up on me

even after i failed you

Along the way

i have forsaken the road you have chosen for me

i have taken another way

away from you

the longer i walked my way

i found out that this is your way for me too

i believe that once a Child of God

forever a Child of God

God never abandons His Children

Thank you Father