lost touch

i think i am shifting back to myself
THE REAL ME (feeling good!)
emotions fleeting (make me feel human)
i could just alter my expression and state of mind in a snap (adaptable creature)
react to situations and necessity (play a part)
at the same time, my mind just keep on processing (time concious)
i judge myself based on results (impacts i made)

to observe needs and gaps to be filled
to keep everyone occupied


i observe myself and find some capacities to be improved:

(1) ability to assimilate into different culture and environment
(2) still could not freely open myself wide open
(3) servantship is not fully utilized

However, i would like to applaud myself on:

(1) Helpfulness
(2) welcoming spirit
(3) desire to encouragement
(4) sensitivity to others' needs

Angie, keep it up.

Thank you Lord today for bringing us to the circle of people who are sidelined
i know that God has His Mighty Will on that place
God, guide us to know what it is,
so that your Will be done and your Grace be shown.

Amen.

this is me

i shed buckets of tears today since wee morning

tears of...
regrets
gratitude
shame
relieve
deliverance

i am finally in touch with my vulnerable and sensitive side
which recently i have very much stashed into a far away hidden cabinet

i will cry freely in the future
this is me...

sammi

i woke up after a tearful night
i surfed through the internet
and bumped across a youtube video
about sammi cheng
a canto pop-star who went missing
from the scene for 2 years

i saw the dramatic change in her, humility and genuinity
i really could see how her life
switched 180 degrees, used to be wild and eccentric
i am amazed of God's grace in her

when i saw her onstage in her concert
reading testimony
to the whole packed stadium full with fans
her trip with Gigi Lai for World Vision
her baptism
her interview
her choir with other Christian artists for 512 incident
my body was surged with emotions, tingled and
i think to myself:

(1) i did not use my networking to expand my influence to win people for God
(2) i did not use my identity as a Christian to reach out
(3) my testimony of God's love is not practical and realistic
(4) i did not do my best, my very best
as a whole, i just repented before God and say to myself, " Angie, be real " repeatedly,
with tears flowing freely for hours
i could not contain myself
i could not control myself

Sammi says she had insecurity and use her coolness to defend
there are so many times i react just to defend and sometimes offend

The real me would:
(1) cry easily
(2) evangelise freely
(3) use Bible verses to support my words

i no longer did the above.
i did not live a new life after the hurt, pain and betrayal issues.
i should not waste anytime longer to hide myself under the layer of pretendency

suddenly, i wake up after a deep slumber
i wake up with a new real me.

Thank you Ah Mi for the genuinity i see in you.
it gives me the courage to live by the way God has intended for me.

the real me / the real you

i nearly exploded
but i hold it in really good
i guess all this while, i am well-trained
i guess all this while, i grew out of it
i guess all this while, i grow matured

perhaps, i am so fed-up with you
perhaps, i try to give you a second chance
perhaps, i do not care what you do or say anymore

why are you
so selfish
so shallow

you do things out of :
obligation
authority pressure

You do things for:
blessing
position
namesake
habitual

i do not know why are you still doing the things you are doing
if you do not intend to go second mile
if you do not intend to do your best

i am angry
not because of your weakness and lacking

i am angry
because i know you are so much better than this
because i see God's guidance in you
i am not angry, i am disappointed actually

you are such a letdown.....
STEP UP...come on.

end of the world

i am concerned of the spread of....
homosexuality
i see girl holding girl and kissing on the elevator
i see guy touching other guy on the streets
it disgusts me

however,
i kind of compassionate for them
is it a sexual preference?
or are they born that way naturally?
it is their sin or God's unique creation?
Bible says that human are consumed by their lust and has burning desire for their own sex
the verdict is .....

i am concerned of the spread of...
promiscuiosity
marriage is no longer a holy matrimony
people get married out of desperation and obligation
the girl is impregnated
or should abortion be an option?
when two immatured people get married
divorce is evident...
what happen to the innocent kids?
a lot of people came from single-parent family
or broken family
to build their own single-parent family
or lead a broken family
God, please heal us!

i am concerned of the spread of disease
bird flu
swine flu
AIDS
JE
AEDES
cancer of all sorts
the list goes on and on...
people are dying at faster rate and at larger scale
despite science and medical development
human are stabbing each other in a way or other
God, help us!

i am concerned of the spread of...
injustice
racial prejustice
discrimination
hatred
crimes
accidents.......

God, save our nations!!!!

cruel intention

may i know what is your intention



behind the things you do
the things you say
the actions you did
the things you ignore

i do not believe you
nor did i trust you
as a whole, i did not even like you

but i love you
i care about you
i support you
when you need me, i will be there for you

i tried to understand
the things you do
the things you say
the actions you did
the things you ignore

i know that i may never understand

because:

i did not go through what you did
i cannot do what you did
i would not say what you say

i believe that people are
kind-hearted
good natured
i still do

despite we are all sinners
because we are all made in the image of God
because we are filled with holy-spirit

you doubted me
so do i

no one is in the position to condemn
nor anyone has the right to be self-defined righteous

i learnt so much from you:

(1) united in diversity
(2) appreciation in spite of spiteful
(3) love your enemy as you love yourself

i still can look into your eyes and say:

God loves you and me just as much
no matter who is right or wrong
no matter who did what and did not do what
i may have the things you do not have
remember you have many things that i wish i could have a taste of...

prayers

after i learned to speak in tongue

my prayers in real words diminished,

i wonder if it affects my prayer life
my relationship with God

last sermon's topic

mentioned about,

God heard our prayers

not seen, but heard

i started to think:

i do not think it will

impact any differently if

we say something in our heart

or speak it out

God understands us anyhow, right

just now when i was eating my lunch,

something occured to me

usually i have the problem

of communicating using speech,

because i feel that i could not

express that efficiently in Mandarin,

which is in my culture.

i do not want to appear different

or intellectual ,

which is discriminating

at least i think that way.

usually when i speak

there are just too many disractions,

because i always give way for others to express themselves,

i am very careful that

i speak something that people understood

not of my own personal opinion,

i am defined as someone who takes thing personal already

However

i am fine because i have God on speed dial

Thank God for His hotline

that i can connect with you

through Jesus Christ in spirit

words are powerful...

let me elaborate.

(1) God gave us His words, commands, bible as a guidance

Psalm 119:130

The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple.

(2) We listen to sermon and sing songs in words (if there is melody without lyrics, how are we going to sing in spirit and truth)

2 Samuel 22:1

[ David's Song of Praise ] David sang to the LORD the words of this song when the LORD delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul.

(3) we talk to people in language that they know well to bring our ideas across

Psalm 49:3

My mouth will speak words of wisdom; the utterance from my heart will give understanding.

(4) we console through words to teach, rebuke and guide (we cannot just express through touch or eyes contact, can us?)

Luke 7:40Jesus answered him, "Simon, I have something to tell you." "Tell me, teacher," he said.

(5) we can bring people down and raise people only by words (people would not know anything if we just keep quiet, right?) so we encourage and affirm by words, looking into their eyes and really mean it.

Job 16:5But my mouth would encourage you; comfort from my lips would bring you relief.

(6) How many times are we suddenly woke up from delusion when a certain word just open our mind? at least, that is frequent for me. so God will use my mouth to do the same too.

ok. the list will go neverending. i guess i made the case.

i came to a conclusion:

(1) i will pray in words in regular basis. (in spirit and in truth)

(2) this is a good practice for me to be a good teacher of the truth, a good shepherd and a leader to come. ( i am a self-apppointed assistant to anyone in need)

(3) i will blog more often because my fingers express better and faster than my mouth. (i am good writer than a speaker, ha! weird.)

(4) words bridge and link my ideas to reality. ( will make a difference/ more effective )

i am so glad....so relieved....i feel freed. YEAH!

thank you blog.

numb

it is not something i would use to describe myself..

at most, i would say i ...

pretend

temperament arises

eruption

wow...i am a volcano

i guess

different people have

different way of responding

i would use external method

some used internal method

where they suck it in

perhaps...

they are more
considerate of others and the consequences

careful not to step on the wrong shoes or toes

actually,

it is hard for me

to comprehend

why people would push

something as great as FEELING

away and down under

Emotions...

are very important for me

even when sometimes

it could be overbearing

overstated
heated
too passionate

at least

we pour it out

and get it over

my heart goes out

for the people,

that feel numb
or should i say feel nothing

it makes us

insensitive
unhappy

cannot perceive joy

but could feel peace

they would want to laugh

but hold them back

they would like to cry

and hold them back too

i felt so sad

because laughing and crying freely

is life for me...

i think;

it is a reaction of avoiding-

to be hurt again

to be misunderstood,

felt vulnerable once in their time,

usually after a conflict or clash

in short, something really bad happenned

what could i do for them?

use my passion to melt their ice palace?

but i do not think it works,

because emotions

became a barrier,

once they feel the emotion

seeping into their heart
they close it back again

should i just give them the peace that they so preciously hold on to ?

should i just appreciate the way they are?

they are more rooted, stable and calm...than me, by the way

i still think EMOTION is important for me to:

worship God

love people

understand gospel

to be creative

to communicate

my passion is firing up....whoosh.

Me and you

i find the way;

into your heart

into your mind

into the inner circle

Deuteronomy 4:29
But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.

i am your close friend

but never could be your best friend

i am satisfied

to keep you at an arm's length
i do not want to complicate our relationship

i would like to love everyone

equally, just as much

be fair and square

no favouritism

John 3:16

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

i am satisfied with this intimacy

perhaps you felt that i kept a distance

perhaps you are right

it is a perfect distance

i have to make sure

i could give everyone

everything that i gave you

if i need to answer why

i would say;

life experience

i saw the damage done

when there is;

injustice

authoritarian complex

siblings jeolousy

favor fighting

i tried to apply damage control;

i wonder if it will hurt my relationship with you....

if you treasure me, please understand.

( Dedicated to all my acquaintances.)

Forget what is behind

Forget what is behind

i am a forgetful person
i wonder why?

i do not like to remember
the facts
the dates

the past
the wrongdoings
what i should have done but did not
what i could have prevented but did not
the regrets

i like to live in the present
if it is over, i let it be
what is done is done, why brood over it?

i discover

i live in the past
i do not let go of the past
i hold on to it like a latch on a dog
and the dog keeps on tugging at the latch
sometimes, the little dog is budging me

i have to pull it strongly to keep it close

Psalm 139: 23

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

i am a contradict

Psalm 109:22

For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me.

if i could not be and have what my heart desires
i let it be
for a moment
whenever possible, i will satisfy that ....
in a way

Psalm 134: 4

So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed.

conciously.... i have forgotten
subconciously.... i have not
unconciously....my life is fitting
my past into my present
like missing pieces of puzzle

there are too many times
i find myself going back

there are too many times
i find myself unable to resist

Romans 15:4

For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.

but now i am ready to handle and tackle it
i am given a second chance

for myself;

i know that actually i am taking a familiar road
a path that i have walked down before
i do not want to give up without taking second chances

i do not like going through my life
thinking
what if...... i believe i could overcome....

give and you shall receive

My motto:

Give and you shall receive...

a lot of bro and sis used to mention,

ask and you shall receive

i know it is right...

in context it is talking about salvation
the moment our souls are saved

Certainly God as our

Father in heaven

knows us and takes care of our needs

we shall not worry about our days

However,

this creates a culture which is:

demanding
expectation arises; of others
sit back and chill out

nothing gets done

no one moves forward

and i prayed to God,

Why?How?

What's now?

Many things need to get done

we want to march forward for Jesus

Deep in my pit,

i know that

there are certain things

that must be done

through my life

through Jesus Christ

through church

When i die

i want to be like Jesus

saying,: it is done
before my last breathe.

Angie,

remember to put your priority in place

and commit to it till the end

tolerance over controversy

biblical over personal opinionssilence over condemnation

action over talking idle
work it over ordering

change things over complaining

contribute over reward

forgive over grudging

give over expecting

share over keeping to ownself

communicate over the lone ranger style

submit over rebellion

smiling over furious

step up rather than stepping down
expand rather than exploding

This came to a conclusion

As one day, God tells me

Give and you shall receive

Be an active figure in your environment

When you need a friend, be a friend

When you need encouragement, affirm others
When you need support and a reason to go on, give that to others

When you feel alone, be there for others

I find that each and everytime,

i receive abundance from God

so much that i can keep on giving

and still never lacking

In that empty space in my heart

There is abundance,

God's leading and presence,

understanding,

compassionate...

Thank you God for teaching me that through giving i shall see you....

I want to be there for my people in good times and bad times, through it all...

in his time

i always tell myself and people around me,

your destiny is in your hands,

take charge of everything,

situation does not control you,

you control it and make things happen.

Then i know,
i hold nothing in my hands,

i could not take control of my own fate,

i took control,

but lost control in return,

i could not make things happen my way.

Then i know,

God made me to serve His purpose,

His timing is the best timing and the only timing,

i may plan and arrange diligently,

but God has His Way to make it His Way.

Because,

I am a child of God,

I am a servant of God,

I am the voice for those who cannot speak

or defend themselves.

My lessons for life before i could be used by God;

patience; knowing that not how and what but when

forgiveness; knowing that hatred and bitterness consume my soul

tolerance; knowing that i could build relationships bridges with whomever

wisdom; knowing when to say what and how to

faith; live mission and vision oriented not based on worldly values

Deep inside,

i know that God has a special plan for me

when i completed my spiritual training

My Father in heaven is patiently waiting for me to jump over the hurdle

He promised to take me across

I just have to believe

And it will be done

In his time

In this moment

The moment is NOW.......

thank you Lord :

for your patience in me,

even if i have failed you repeatedly

in the same area,

i was so tired of my own excuses, weaknesses

but you never give me up nor forsake me

How could i ever say i hated someone or

unable to forgive

I am the most wretched of all....

I can forgive...