covenant part 1: take my breathe away

sometime around 5 years ago

i was crying so hard in the toilet

that i could not breath

i was not crying for myself

but it was a holy sorrow

i cried for the lost souls in my life

God gave me the compassionate heart

to evangelise

to work in the field of salvation

i would be harvesting the ripe crops

i was then given the gift of evangelism

that moment i made a covenant with God

He touched my heart

and i answered His Calling

there was no thunder

my body was not shaking

there was in short,

nothing perculiar physically or at sight

but spiritually

something miracluous had happened

even when a friend came into the toilet unsuspectedly

she asked me, "are you all right?"

i cried so hard

that i cannot answer

but just nodded my head and washed my face

i was not a great teacher of the word

but i always like to serve and love people

my ministry was very simple

just make some tong sui, package them

and had them delivered to brothers and sisters houses

i still remembered i used to collect transparent little containers

after buying tou hua from pasar malam

wash them and stack them

after distributing the tong sui

it was so difficult to take back the containers from them

i had to amass these containers from my coursemates too

i just could not able to keep up

with the "missing" containers

and then, caring ministry

like preparing cards or birthday presents

a few of us, sisters would made little cards

for any occasion, imaginable

that was then some unfortunate incidents

where innocent brothers would fall in love with these caring "sisters"

Ha, how adorable..... (smiling)

when i asked the visitors

whether at special events

or care groups

"Do you want to accept Christ?"

usually they accepted

then we said the Sinner's Prayer

i could not remember the times that they did not

the harvest was so ready that ripe crops were everywhere

the spiritual atmosphere was so high

as there were frequent gospel rallies

in Johor

at those moments ..............

i did not feel supported

a church should support and complete each other

but i could not get it

i am not perfect

althought Jesus Christ had made me whole

i need someone else to care and teach these new Christians

i could convert them

but what happened next...

i was like an underaged single parent

unable to cater the needs of these children

after giving birth, i was so lost with these young spiritual kids

the brothers of my church

was obsessed with individualistic type of ministry

everything was seen as "own"

my caregroup

my bible class

more of lone ranger

with heroic complex

sisters were interested

in loving and caring

everyone seemed want to be under

spotlight and attention

it was like a superstar contest

i was so depressed beyond word when my little spiritual babies:

(1) financially capacitated and borrowed money without paying

(2) dated with non-Christians

(3) there is even one who committed suicide

who else has this kind of spiritual resume

what i did was a shame to the Kingdom of God.....

i threw my gift from God away

not instantly but gradually

i no longer use the gifting anymore

i was not saving them

i was destroying them

God is good and real

but i was not a good servant of God

i asked God, "Why do you use me

when i could not carry Your works well?"

if they were not under my care

perhaps, they would have a better turn out

Is it my desire to have them believe in Christ?

Am i really doing the Works of God?

i was so scared of my:

sins

shortcomings

the consequences

i feel sorry for these people.....

i am so sorry

God, you died for me when i was still a sinner

You use me when i was still a sinner

I am still a sinner

but no longer bounded by my sins

You freed me

Along the way, You wanted me to understand a few important points

Thank you for not giving up on me

even after i failed you

Along the way

i have forsaken the road you have chosen for me

i have taken another way

away from you

the longer i walked my way

i found out that this is your way for me too

i believe that once a Child of God

forever a Child of God

God never abandons His Children

Thank you Father