Transition

Bloodline

I have a happy family. It is not adequate to be such plainly said. I have several happy families. That is closer to the truth.

Why would I say that?

I have my bloodline family consisting of a loving and understanding mother and 3 very individually unique sisters, extending from there…..
Then there is my spiritual family, brothers and sisters in Christ that live in unity and harmony.
What I want to stress is my online family, the people that are so close to your heart although physical difference could come between us.

How do we communicate? msn, facebook and most of all, blogging.

Homebase

Blogspot is our homebase.

Blog is our solitude of peace and meantime, a connection where thoughts conjoined us. This is not the first time, I brought out the topic of blogger family.

But it is very important to me, journaling is a spiritual journey for me. Along the way, we discover so much about ourselves and in a way, able to touch the lives of others too. I admit that there are times, I vent out my frustration and devastation on my blog.

But that is life, there are highs and lows.

Sharing

Life is meant for sharing. It is meaningless without giving a meaning unto others.

What is serving?

Serving God means serving in the church, take up prominent tasks ?
God has given everyone special talents and giftings to serve as a specific purpose in the journey of expanding His Kingdom. Why do I mention “journey”? Because each step we take, each path we embark, point out to a different route.

Me. What is serving? To me, serving is about people. Lifting, supporting and be there for the people that need us.

An effective serving / ministry means there is no boundary and limitations but a total freedom to achieve a single purpose

(I do things in singularity, filling the gap, always moving to new, undiscovered, abandoned area, on my freewill and initiation, I do because I want to and there is a need).

Understated

I am not a regular person who needs constant guidance and surveillance.
I prefer not to be understood. I want to be accepted.
I am an impossible person to understand. I would not be someone that just anyone could comprehend. In a way, I made myself unable to be contained.....

Evolution

We are no longer the same. Every step we take changes us. Nothing will stay the same.

Me. I am evolving, I could not keep up with myself.

When I am in a different circumstance, new environment, seen something or experience something , I could not help it but: digest, ingest, assimilate, reinvent myself and shift.
There is an automatic response in my brain that just keep adapting and modifying myself. I could not explain what is on my mind and trouble me. It just keep on penetrating me deep and throughly.

When the process is over, I am myself again. Bouncy, happy and full of life. (at least this is what I think I am, always happy and initiative)

Or should I say, I am not myself anymore. Not the yesterday “me” but a today “me”.

My sheep's birthday

I sent out messages to brothers and sisters to dedicate their birthday wishes to birthday gal, Rong Shyan and birthday boy, Charles.

I was elated and touched to receive the abundant of wishes to them.

My message to all bro and sis was:

I am doing a birthday video clip for Charles and Rong Shyan.
Please send me your birthday wish.
(1) Rong Shyan
(2) Charles
thanks.

I was glad that some got my meaning and responded:
(1) RS: .....
(2) CH: ....

My frustration was that some messages i received are not clear who they are intended to.
Some even stated that the single message was meant to both of them...
Some are even poetic and length (i mean well)
and i do receive some messages that are inappropriate to put up (hmmm)
There are of course mandarin messages that i received which left me totally clueless and lost

Actually, Wei Wei dedicate a special message to Charles: a drawn diagram of an adult with specs (Charles) with him (a kid) hand in hand with a written (thank you pkc teacher, i love you)
but, hai, i totally forgotten about that....

Haha...of course there are a handful who did not bother to reply me message (sad)
Perhaps my messages to them was not delivered as the line was bothersome at times

So what did i do,

(1) i edit, modify, abbreviate and compress
(2) i divided the messages to 2 parts (RS and Charles)
(3) for those that dedicate supershort dedications, i make them interesting
(4) for those that did not reply to me, i still fill in the blanks with simple remarks

well, i am not dishonest but the purpose of the dedication is to build closeness and to shower love. It meets the purpose.

At first, i thought that when there is multimedia card, then the handmade card was not necessary, i was so wrong...

it is impossible to get the dedications in its original and complete version..

is birthday celebration important? it is....until a certain age and you started to lose interest and hoping everyone else will forget it too...haha....

i still have 3 years to celebrate the end of my 20s into 30s...scary but age is proportional to life experience and elegance...
i would like to embrace my era of inner beauty

youtube informative info

i was so excited over the talkshow (Tyra Bank's Show)
it is so informative and provocative
discussing topics like:
(1) Porn Stars
(2) Homosexuality, Bisexualities and Gays (quite extensive arrays)
(3) Mamas's Boys
(4) Womanizer (or said nicely, Ladies Man)

and many more

it is so worthwhile to think of the multitude of people leading an alternative lifestyle and has such a way of thinking that is so different from a normal person.
difference in priorities, sense of conscience, shame level and inborn mindset.

not that i condemn or judge any of them
i try to listen and understand
why on earth......

as i put on my thinking cap, i deduce that we need to accept the fact that the devils and SATAN are comploting and offering tempting fruits to mankind.
the devils never stop in their works of deceiving and whispering into our ears, "Take it, take the forbidden fruit and enjoy..."

God, take all this away and cleanse us of all sins and shame.
Thank you my Lord for giving us chances upon chances to repent and ask for Your forgiveness.

youtube entertainment

i watched many hong kong romantic comedies this time round
those that i have watched before but left such deep ingrained memories
that draw me back
another chance to comprehend,
with a different mentality now....

HK movies are frequently slotted with messy relationships:
guys fooling girls and girls tuned in and out of relationship
but there are several smart movies with meanings

(1) My left eye can see ghosts

with main cast Sammi Cheng and Lau Ching Wan
i cannot believe myself that i cried after so many years since watching the first one.
That first time, i cannot cry out loud as there is a friend beside me, i could only slide a finger beneath my eyes to wipe tears off silently.
i cannot control myself watching scene of 2 lovers separated by death with that kind of eternal love between them.
till death do us apart.
and even death cannot come between us.
that kind of love story broods me....

(2) Mr 3 Minutes
(the story of a playboy who fools around that he could not keep up with the girls he had) He was a 3 minutes guy.
made major business decisions, take his fast food meals and meetings in 3 minutes.
everything important could be done in 3 minutes.
even when his son by one of his girlfriend came to him, he only gave him 3 minutes per day to communicate,
then he found out that he had a tumor in his brain,
then it was the end, the list of contributions and cast and crew drew on
then the end twisted, the father and son was having a brawl playing as superheroes
the story does live up to the title of 3 minutes perception

(3) Fly me to polaris

this is an memorable movie by Cecilia Chung and Richie Ren
i cried again after the umph tens of watching
again it was by weakest point
a man already died come to the earth for 5 days to be with the one he loves so much

there are many more....that hold special meanings to me after so many years.
it was like watching a part of my own, going back to a time that i have almost forgotten
like watching history in rerun...
i enjoyed that mentality and atmosphere...that evokes my memory of the past

my first youtube post

i am so excited over my first ever youtube video

it is prepared for the weekend's parents' day celebration

althought there may not be many parents around during the sunday service

but it is important for us to remember the most important thing for us;

love:

love is sacrificial

love is sustainable

love is giving

love is serving

love will help us to see through every difficulty, hardship, pain and suffering

to be able to love and experience love, we cannot be alone.

with love, we will never be alone.

parents' day testimony

when i came back from my week long holiday with my family,
i started to blog.
as i think what should i testify, i came up with an entry:
A father's role.

let me tell you something about my family.
i came from a single family.
we lost contact with my father many years ago.
if you ask me how long is that?
i would not know how long should i tell you
do you mean physically, communication wise or emotionally?

since i was in teenage years,
me and my second sister do not call him, father, daddy or anything
i just cannot say the word out
the title of father is an honorable status

as i go on, i am not criticising or condemning anyone
nor i am instilling unforgiveness...
instead i want to bring out the grace of a father...........

yes, the father i am pointing out is the Father in the Heaven
He is the only father that i know
the only man that i trust because He holds on to every promise:

- gives me life (as you know i am living a second life now, i could have died of sickness when i was young)

- offers me pardon and redemption from my sins

- most of all, He gives me the promise to be my eternal Father (never leave me nor forsake me)

how do i come to accept this ever loving father?
it is because of the love of a mother
my mother loves us very much that this is the concern of her
to give her children a perfect family
to find the missing piece of a father's role in our family potrait
and she found Jesus

And Jesus becomes a part of our family

the first sunday, i was at home
the whole Hope BP went for training
so we had a home service

i did the sharing
and selena, praise and worship and testimony

we had a wonderful time discussing about how to prepare ourselves
before end of time

we are enjoying the atmosphere, bond, love, understanding and
most of all peacefulness

it is impossible for a broken family

but now, i have a perfect family
because Jesus lives in our home

today is parents' day
and i would like to wish parents in our midst
the parents of my brothers and sisters
my dear mother in bp
and my dear Father in heaven (Happy Father's Day)

now you see it, now you don't

Is relationship and friendship
really that fragile and vulnerable?

now you see it, now you don't

well, as painful and as truthful

It is.

my ex flaunted his new girlfriend in front of me
and showcased such a delicate care
mushy, mushy and touchy, touchy
did not even bother to say "hi"

when i saw his conduct,
i asked myself
how blind could i be those years we spent together?
well, i am not at a bit jealous
but, yeah, a little embarassed by his immaturity
the surrounding environment is all my friends from uni years

do you have to go to such extreme?
i do not know if he has any ill intention
but i analyse things, like i always do
rationally and logically:

(1) he wants to show that he is capable of loving and having a relationship
(2) to tell the public that we are totally over (of course it is, was history)
(3) to hurt me, embarass me
(4) he is hurting inside from low self-esteem and insecurity (hurt people hurt people)
(5) barricades my relationship with those friends (it is whether his friend or my friend, CHILDISH)

i was so disappointed because by far he was my best friend and we shared the same dreams once
at least, we could be friends.
well, i thought we could.
but now, no, that is impossible
not because i am unforgiving
but he cannot forgives himself and me (of course)

man, grow up!

some men are just like kids trapped inside an adult body
has the intellect and talent but little emotional intelligence
has a good outlook but a deteriorating soul
has a career but no self improvement

i am not angry as i pointed those out
but i am seeing just too many of such examples before me

even my own father was such.................

sweet

i wonder why my heart feels so sweet
out of a sudden
everything is not what it is supposed to be
but feels right
feels good
at peace
pure joy

i am not bored
but calmer and more patient than before
there is no turbulence in my heart
but calm waters

i love my new mentality
the solitude provides a clear mind
to connect and observe very little things
appreciate

calling

when we speak of mission...
we would quote from the Great Commission
a calling for all believers to disciple and
bring the good news to all corner of the earth

as if only a fraction mentioned about this
is mission just a tiny part of being a Christian?
or we could have chosen or perhaps not chosen
to become a missionary.

it is actually......
the whole of Christianity
it is the essence of the bible
no matter how you flip and
where you look
it is a missionary work

going places
leaving homes
claiming lands
Abrahamic covenant
your descendants will be as vast as the stars and sands
just think of any biblical characters
what are they doing, where are they going....
it is all about mission, mission, mission

God is a missionary God
That's why He sent Jesus
He left Heaven (His Home) and His Father (God)
to be here, on the earth

do we have a choice?
nope....
that is why we are here on the earth
the purpose of our mere existence

as missionaries

i just can't

are you single and available
or attached, in an relationship?

from further observation and communication
i found a third category of people

inability to be in a relationship

could not be involved in physical intimacy

never thought of being married or having children

not promiscious or fooling around

restrain or abstain from sexual misconducts

totally straight and normal

i have seen an article of thus in a newspaper
there are couples coming together
leaving in the comfort of the same house
without sexual intercourse
they are just enjoying the companionship and the trust
weird as it is....
but it is true.....
in foreign countries, there are people who embrace such culture
but in Asian countries, people of thus prefer to remain single, a loner ranger with usually active lifestyle (going places and enjoying life)

i have such acquantainces
i have been wondering for a long time now....

they are attractive and beautiful
accomplishing or not much under-achiever than the people near them

usually talented and artistic
never discuss of their relationships or sexual needs
may have crushes in the earlier years but failed in the process
i even wonder are they gay, impotent, pervert or .....?

i am sorry that i say that

hmmm......i love these people so much
that i hope that they could experience love too

scooping in, it is fear that resides inside them:

(1) lost a loved one before (a father, a mother or....)
(2) been rejected (emotional souls they are..)
(3) seeing too many ( breakups, divorce, children abandonment, single parents, mankind suffering, orphans, mutated children, mentally depressed or nervous breakdown )

it seems that they carry the load of this world on their own back
the pain of it surpasses the joy of being with someone that they love

if you live happily, i am happy for you

you will always be in my heart

love is not possessing

when you need me, i will always be there for you

do these concepts really make sense to you?

for me:

if i love you, i want to be with you (short and simple)

a father's role

what is the role of a father?

protector of the family?

breadwinner?

the leader of the family?

mainly; as a financial source

i looked around for a good example of a father
it has become rare and rarer
slowly fading is the role of a father


it could be said that it is an nearly non-existence presence
or sady to say, father is usually absent in the family picture
seldom seen in the perimeter of a house

if do, usually reserved in his own thinking
in a way, seems hard to attach to the family inner circle
physical touch is not common to a father

whenever,
i see a complete family bonded together
my heart twitched with envy
a good envy i mean
appreciating that scene
because it may take some time before i see another one

it is not uncommon that fathers of the people near us fall into these categories:

(1) work far from home and seldom seen
(2) come back late either from drinking or rather meet up with friends
(3) sit at a corner watching tv or reading newspapers
(4) do not give much responses or reactions to the happenings at home

if your father joke, have fun and just talk to you, seize that moment and be appreciative, knowing that not many have these opportunities as you are.

i believe that men could be misinterpreted and misunderstood at times

men:

(1) are sensitive, fragile, insecured, low self-esteem, need constant admiration, appreciation and understanding
(2) need their space but will come back after caving in
(3) have pride (sometimes hard for them to say that they are sorry or wrong)
(4) boundaried by the concepts of what a real man is and cannot project their true emotions freely, trapped and feel uncomfortable to speak out, thus react in a way women could not tolerate (these are wrong concepts...man is a human too)

world has been evolving,
i recognize that men are masculine on the outside but feminine (i mean gentle) in their inside

they have needs, emotion fluctuation, gentler side, hurting edge and empty void in their hearts

women should learn how to understand men

phrases to melt a man's heart:

(1) i need you
(2) i love you just as you are
(3) please don't go

women should also let go of their pride to bring back the men of their lives...

prep UP

i need to prep up
by exposing myself even wider and more, more and more
i need to expand, stretch and break out from my horizons and boundaries

i have been hibernating these few days
recharging myself in self-wandering and
half sleep-walking mode, dazing away in my head
like a fish, sleeping with the eyes open

i need to block out all the distractions

as i write this,
i felt like contradicting myself
because i was watching you-tubes
anyway, it kind of clear and soothe my thinking
i unblock things peculiarly
that's me
Quirky Angie!!
Strange....but true

i was weaving diconnectedness to connection that makes sense
decode all the Morse codes that keep bumping here and there
i even had dreams to answer the questions i had in real life
those answer makes sense and do connect in my dreams
but went i woke up, those answers are just ridiculous...
i wonder if i had quality sleep or not..

i always think...
if i could remember my weird dreams
and put it down in a script
it may make a good blockbuster
may it be comedy, teary soap opera, suspense, scary movie
fictional, fantasy or reality shows...

hmmm....i may be the next Steven Spielberg...
where am i going?
i thought this is supposed to be a preparation for misson work.....

again, my mind flips.....

Miss Ion

when i step into the hall of the church
i was half expecting something...
an answer
an assurance
a lead
a start
i keep searching for connection, clues and leads

each word i heard
i take into my heart
like a thread sewing up my bleeding heart of doubts and uncertainty
it makes so much sense
and it points out a direction for me

words here and there
that are personal
details that feel so close to me like life history

the questions i had in mind
for so long
answered....
i may have been listening to those exact same answer before
but that day...
everything seems peculiarly accurately pointed out
and suddenly a bulb lights up....
God lifts away the cloud of fuzziness
i guess....
it was God's timing for me to understand, perceive...

and it calls for next step...
taking next step.............

i have another adventure to venture
only God knows where He is going to bring me next......

a new start

i like the aroma of the fresh dewy morning
it is not an easy sight
not that easy to wake up,
morning bird, nope! (i am more like a bat)
i am a late sleeper and riser

what can i do?
with this blogging and now
i am into SUPERNATURAL
wow...what an adventure as vampire slayers
killing demons and evil spirits

my point is
i need a new start
something to inspire me
build the passion in me
a desire so strong that it burns me
enlightens me
bring life to the things i do

it has become monotonous
goal less
point less
meaning less
it used to hold such strong determination

i am not losing hope or faith
it is just that...
i know i could do better than this
i know i could achieve and accomplish so much more
i am not gloating over anything
i want to live my life to the fullest as God has called me to be

i may not be successful
but i could inspire people at some levels and areas
which i will hold on to

keep giving in the sense that
it is not an transaction or mercy giving
but uplifting people
bring the best out
bring people together

serving to me...
is about people
always has been and will always be
what is the biggest service i could present to God?
anonymousity, discreet and genuinity
work in an effortless way
and yet fruitful
be independent yet dependant on God
giving yet everything comes from God

before going to MPPO
i have been asking myself repeatedly....
what is my calling?
what is calling?
i really could not come up with a definite real life answer
there are certain biblical principles and multitudes of explanation

for anything it may concern,
i am looking for an answer i could called it my own...
it came to me calling is when preparation meets opportunity
i have been preparing my whole life for something...
it has always seem to be task A, responsiblity to B, ministry C and other stuffs
but i knew that it wasn't it

after i went to mppo...
i knew it...
it is mission
God is equipping me to be a missionary

To be continued......

peru

i joined the class taught by missionaries
serving in Peru for the last 7 years
they are from Hope Singapore

He told us that mission field work is worthwhile
and is the most definite struggle of life

but being there, you could say that
i was there
experience it just as Jesus was
it was worth it.

He was a researcher and was full time serving in church
before he was commited to go to Peru
he went there with his wife not long after they got married

he is a bright man with analytical thinking and simplicity in his speech
he used business model and economics to explain the mission work and how
to cross cultural boundaries
every analogy that occurs in this world could be used in expanding the Kingdom of God
He was humorous and engaging with the audience

His speech included:

(1) We are fortunate to be in Malaysia because it is a vast land. We are adaptable creatures by nature; exposed to different cultures, mentalities and personalities of all kinds. (friends from different states have different way of communicating in their distinct dialect)

(2) Thus, mission work makes more sense to us than Singaporeans like he is. (we are indifferent to different people as we approach these on daily basis)

(3) Our concept about time makes us more willing to travel as in 3 hours to visit a relative is logical while in Singapore, we would end up in the river by then. (we are more willing to spend time in travelling and hard work)

(4) He mentioned that it would be easier if we entered 3rd world countries; as they are more accepting as long as you bring funds or assistance into their countries.

(5) the entry vehicle will be more appropriate in business form than as a expariate. when you are working, your time is encapsuled by your employer, and you could have lost your job during economic crisis, very volatile. (i am a learner in this)

(6) the preparation of a mission work could not be taught or explained much, we need to experience it on site (observe and learn)

(7) learning the whole essence of the new language would take up to 3 years. it would be better for the translator to speak out the native words as it is more heartfelt and touched the congregation. (start to learn new language, when i learnt Germany, i found out that through language we could experience their way of thinking and thoughts construction)

(8) when we enter the new culture, we must abandon our self, knowledge of the past and the way of thinking. it is a relearn process. humbling experience!

(9) behavioral analysis and pyschological learning is important to be able to adapt into a new environment. (start analyse and test trial people reactions and responses today!)

(10) be realistic! and be hopeful at the same time...there would be times you asked yourself many conflicting questions and stepped in grey areas; and had to make a decision; to do it or not to do it! Be it "why am i here?" , " am i doing the right thing", to "should i bribe."

mppo

i was at kl with my family last friday
torn between whether to go to MPPO or not
to attend all the way through or just half way

nevertheless,
i made it at hope kl at 9am....

the opening speech was by Pastor Simon

he opened the day with:
(1) God is a missionary God
(2) every incident in the bible from Genesis to Revelation
mentioned about mission of God

bringing people to God

scattering us all over the earth to bring people back to God

(3) also he stressed that mission is the heartbeat of God

(4) Church should not only be indulged with pastoral care, pastoring work and shepherding

(5) people's need will never cease, ever be satisfied and never ending

(6) problems will pile up and up

(7) serving in the church will never end

(8)whoever come to mppo should blow his trumpets
as we get back to our own local churches to
exclaim "remember missionary work."

it is the most important thing of all
the final quest of all

then we proceed to our classes:

there are beginner classes and intermediate
as i came last year, so i joined the intermediate one.

prophecy

Wednesday, 3rd of June 2009,


it was a leadership training for healing ministry,
Peter Truong brought his team consisting of brothers; Daniel, Tony and Joshua.
The attendees are in a number of 20+.
The teaching started with praise and worship session led by Bro Wei Pick.
And then Sis Siew Ling led us to pray in spirit.
After that, Peter Truong gave us a word of encouragement, translated by Daniel.

This was the message:

We need to have faith in the midst of crisis.
Crisis asks for greater faith.
We need to raise in faith.

We refer to Luke 7: 1-10

(1) Do not lose faith.


A commander of many soldiers looks for Jesus to heal his servant.
SA TAN may use discouragement, “ You cannot overcome ” and
paints a negative picture in our mind.
We may then lose confidence in ourselves.
We must reject these voices of our enemies.


(2) Believe in God’s power and authority.


In the story, Jesus said to the centurion that he would go and pray for his servant.
But the centurion said that it was not necessary because he was also a man with authority with people submitting under him.
And Jesus is also under the authority of God.
So there was no need for Jesus to go in person but just said the word and his servant would be healed.
That was his faith in God.
God in his power will save his servant.
Nothing is impossible in God.
God has the authority to help us.

Are we using the authority and power from God?

Let us use this analogy; authority as a car key,
but if keep it in the pocket and not using it, it is in vain.
Put the key into ignition and the engine will run.
Call upon me and I will do many things in your life, as God promises.
Ask God to do something special in your life.
Not just happy with yesterday experiences but
experience God every day through His revelations.

Pray and something good will happen.
In Kuching, healing rally converted 12 visitors out of 20 new attendees.
God’s power is available for all of us!


(3) Word of God showers the seed of faith in God to grow.

Trust in Him!
God’s words never fall in void.
Believe God for results!


Peter Truong reminded us not to focus on the problem when sick people come to our midst: blind, on a wheelchair etc.

Wait upon God for healing; immediate, one week, one month or up to a year.

Conclusion: Raise in faith

We are advised to read the manual on our own.
Only leaders will be taught on the healing course on Thursday.
Holy Spirit inspired Peter Truong and Daniel to prophesy for us.
Everyone of us kneeled and bowed before God.
Each one was given a word of encouragement and prophecy that was so close to the heart and had healing touch.

The prophecy i received was:

Do not be absorbed in busyness,
Seek God, Seek Him first in all things,
God has a purpose in my life,
God will prosper me.

1 becomes 2 or 2 become 1

somehow,
a period ago
my mentality changed
my true "me" finally shows

it might look scary and different
but the people who love me would accept me

there are 2 sides: the real me and the me people like to see



from that day onwards, i switched between these 2 so beautifully
each person taps into different way of thinking and has a personality of its own
i am not multiple personality disordered

the real me:

quiet but not distant
cool and does not bother of others' opinion of me
confident but not cocky
this is the me that talks to God and can see God
(but if i keep this personality, i could not reach out to people and made connection)

and so i shifted to:

the me people like to see:
bubbly, noisy but never says what is really in my heart warm and concerned of what others think (people pleaser)

inconfident and attention seeking at times
this is the me that walks away from God and rebels
(this is just a superficial me, people seems to connect better with this "me")

who am i?
just me
the way God has made me and intended to be
i am living for no one
But for God alone
I am living beause my God is a living God

God, i could be anyone and do anything for you
if i could add into your kingdom
i know you will understand me for you mould me

i am your clay, you are my potter

covenant part 2: flushed away

monday 1st June 2009
it was another prayer meeting in the church
but this time it was different

it was like i was preparing mentally and emotionally for that moment
the moment of being touched by God



i was not the kind of person easily
tear out in the presence of people

normally, i cry alone, in the dark, behind the doors



but it was so different that night
i was like i was preparing and waiting for this opportunity to speak to God
AGAIN.....

i ask God to heal me and i will evangelise the rest of my life
everyday of my life
my life will be the field of salvation
i ask for the gifting of evangelism again
i think i lost the touch many, many years ago

i have a health condition that deteriorates
that it affects my social life
a social stigma
let me decode.....
my oesophagus backflows
i could spit out little pieces of food
that are half digested
yuck.....it is
has been so for some time
it was not that serious but the food just slurping out
my digestive system is crashing down

i am so afraid
i just cannot rid off it

then i prayed to God
when i came home that night
i drunk a whole bottle of water
if i could not vomit, i shall flush it out

before this......
i am thinking of self-induced vomitting
like digging into throat until i puke
but i dare not
i do not want to become anoreksic

i dare not drink too much water
thinking that if i do
my enzymes may not function in unsuitable pH condition

i overthink
maybe this is digestive / phsycological
or a spiritual warfare

i ran to God
and asked for a complete recovery

i am now in recovering stages
i just drank volumes of water
if it keep surging up
i will drink water to flush it out

i do not care if i could not digest or absorb the food
better still, I could be slimmer and healthier
water makes me full

the more i drink, the more i think that my actual problem is
my osmotic concentration is unbalanced
my body is crying out for "water"
my ignorance deteriorates my health
i am drinking too much coffee
adding acidity to my system
it messes up my hormones

i am not talking about a dietary program here
i am talking about a mentality shift

a parallel connection of:
water = holy spirit (cleanses me)
backflowed food = unconfessed sins (so it keep coming out)
coffee = deterrences (obstacles between me and God, a hiding place, use coffee to stay awake and stuff, addiction)

everything that goes through in our lives means something in the heavenly realm
important to care attentively to every decision we make and actions we do

my meal ends at 5pm everyday
it is a miracle that eating opportunities really end at 5pm
as i mentioned in my previous blog that i would fast
and guess what: fasting is good for my health (fasting is the answer to my better health!)

Through this process,
God answers my prayers and helps me through this:
(1) my health
(2) my fasting plan (my health is on thin line that no food nor coffee can tempt me)
(3) my courage to evangelise (i have committed to God and could not take back my words)
(4) come out of hiding place in every area of my life (diet, habits, thinking)

God really loves me that He works in a way or many ways in a way i could understand and find no resistance anymore

it is once and for all done
for many corrupted areas of my life

i want to give the highest praises to my Lord
You really care so much for me that You took all these troubles
to make me understand
The Holy Spirit intercedes for me despite my internal struggle and sinful mind
Jesus Christ has won this battle for me, Amen!

i was healed because i caught on the faith in God!
i came to an end and kneeled down to you!

i search for an eternity long and i was found in You!

covenant part 1: take my breathe away

sometime around 5 years ago

i was crying so hard in the toilet

that i could not breath

i was not crying for myself

but it was a holy sorrow

i cried for the lost souls in my life

God gave me the compassionate heart

to evangelise

to work in the field of salvation

i would be harvesting the ripe crops

i was then given the gift of evangelism

that moment i made a covenant with God

He touched my heart

and i answered His Calling

there was no thunder

my body was not shaking

there was in short,

nothing perculiar physically or at sight

but spiritually

something miracluous had happened

even when a friend came into the toilet unsuspectedly

she asked me, "are you all right?"

i cried so hard

that i cannot answer

but just nodded my head and washed my face

i was not a great teacher of the word

but i always like to serve and love people

my ministry was very simple

just make some tong sui, package them

and had them delivered to brothers and sisters houses

i still remembered i used to collect transparent little containers

after buying tou hua from pasar malam

wash them and stack them

after distributing the tong sui

it was so difficult to take back the containers from them

i had to amass these containers from my coursemates too

i just could not able to keep up

with the "missing" containers

and then, caring ministry

like preparing cards or birthday presents

a few of us, sisters would made little cards

for any occasion, imaginable

that was then some unfortunate incidents

where innocent brothers would fall in love with these caring "sisters"

Ha, how adorable..... (smiling)

when i asked the visitors

whether at special events

or care groups

"Do you want to accept Christ?"

usually they accepted

then we said the Sinner's Prayer

i could not remember the times that they did not

the harvest was so ready that ripe crops were everywhere

the spiritual atmosphere was so high

as there were frequent gospel rallies

in Johor

at those moments ..............

i did not feel supported

a church should support and complete each other

but i could not get it

i am not perfect

althought Jesus Christ had made me whole

i need someone else to care and teach these new Christians

i could convert them

but what happened next...

i was like an underaged single parent

unable to cater the needs of these children

after giving birth, i was so lost with these young spiritual kids

the brothers of my church

was obsessed with individualistic type of ministry

everything was seen as "own"

my caregroup

my bible class

more of lone ranger

with heroic complex

sisters were interested

in loving and caring

everyone seemed want to be under

spotlight and attention

it was like a superstar contest

i was so depressed beyond word when my little spiritual babies:

(1) financially capacitated and borrowed money without paying

(2) dated with non-Christians

(3) there is even one who committed suicide

who else has this kind of spiritual resume

what i did was a shame to the Kingdom of God.....

i threw my gift from God away

not instantly but gradually

i no longer use the gifting anymore

i was not saving them

i was destroying them

God is good and real

but i was not a good servant of God

i asked God, "Why do you use me

when i could not carry Your works well?"

if they were not under my care

perhaps, they would have a better turn out

Is it my desire to have them believe in Christ?

Am i really doing the Works of God?

i was so scared of my:

sins

shortcomings

the consequences

i feel sorry for these people.....

i am so sorry

God, you died for me when i was still a sinner

You use me when i was still a sinner

I am still a sinner

but no longer bounded by my sins

You freed me

Along the way, You wanted me to understand a few important points

Thank you for not giving up on me

even after i failed you

Along the way

i have forsaken the road you have chosen for me

i have taken another way

away from you

the longer i walked my way

i found out that this is your way for me too

i believe that once a Child of God

forever a Child of God

God never abandons His Children

Thank you Father