sometimes

sometimes,

i run

sometimes,

i hide...

sometimes,

i am scared of you.everytime,

i run into you

everytime,

you seek me

everytime,

you show me that you care....

CLOSE,closer,closed

i keep you close

but not too close

keeping you in a distance

a safe distance

i know this is the way

to have you forever in my life

always there

with no strings attachedi am such a contradict

i enjoyed the feeling

the presence

the temperature under control

i could not

let myself

to be hurt

or hurt others

i may not be able to forgive myself

i need human touch

but one is too little for me

i need to open up my heartto occupy everyone

no time for the special one

the closer it is, the more i closed up to myself

what is going on?

actually....

nothing is going on...

should i be closer or closed?

I CLOSE:

Could not

LOSE

you

there is a cemetery in my heart

memories are buried there

i keep on digging graves

and placing a tombstone on each

as a reminder

How...

i dread the day of the UNREST resurfaced....

MAJOR / minor

There have been many things circling around my mind

i tried to shuffle the agendas at the back of my mind

time is so short,

so many things to be set on time

i used to think that my ministry should be church-based

but it is so dragging, ineffective, mini minorconflicts, clash, disagreement, and stuffs

which i am embarassed to say even in my own blog

you see,

that is how it is

something is there

but you cannot mention it

you cannot speak out

like a tape is across your mouth

i do not want to be used as a satan's tool

i have to be wise in my response
the wisest would be "keep my mouth shut."

i have to be cautious of my actions and speech
so careful...
like treading on a thread

i could not breathe
i need to fly away for a little while

i have to let go to let God be in charge of my life
now i started to take things in the stride

just be natural

go with the flow

let the Holy Spirit inspires me
don't be so well-planned
the impact is so minimal
it is important to be genuine
people could see it through us and
feel the vibe in us.

amen.

my dear blog,
now you are my closest friendi could tell you everything
i couldn't speak
but you could

my major are now

my outreach and cg
i could not care less of what is happening in HOG

i am sorry God
i tried my best

God, lead the way
i cannot write on.....

healing touch

i never believed

in any healing session

i thought it was

fraud

mind manipulation

mind games

or even a devoit plan

until

i was healed

i came to the healing session
dubious

unconvinced

in doubt

hoping to find the pithole

to find the logic behind

that miraculous performance

the science of it

everything can be explained

broken down to little steps

was it physiological

or psychological

was it really happening

or are we made to see it happening

i was prayed for

my backpain

which comes as it goes

i went for x-ray before

doc said, " microfracture."

i wonder ...

an explanation for

unexplainable condition

i accepted that i .....

could not stand for too long

during sunday service

could not sit for long for sermon

had to walk around

people who do not understand

thinking, " that girl just does not know how to play her part."

what can i say or do?

sleepless nights...

could not stand straight

could not sit still

could not sleep on one side for too long

for 2 years

for 2 years or even more

it could not be treated

but...

just relieved

but i was afraid

that if i am analgesic

i could have injure myself further

my back may be overbearing

without me noticing

so i skip the pain killers

enduring the pain

thinking....

if i change my posture

i will be better

one day...

it will be better

i have to choke down my tears at times

to avoid being seen like a baby

asking for attention

i can only take it down myself

after the prayer,

nothing happened...

just as i predicted

when the pastor asks for others

for healing

i came forward to pray for them

despite myself not healed

as i stretched my hands out to pray for a sister

a surge of heat went through my back, along my hand

after that...

i felt my pain gone, subsides

i sat for a little while

the tinging came back

i prayed in tongue

faith grew in me

i realized....

the pain was not physical

it was mental

spiritual

after the session,

the pastor prohesied to me....

God wants me to know that

no burden is never too heavy for Him

There is a basket of burdens in the vision

He asks me to surrender the burden to God.

from that day onwards...

whenever i felt a tingling sensation

on my back

i know that i am holding something back from God

God is so wonderful that he is willing not only die for me

but to carry my daily burdens....

i saw a vision some weeks later....

i was beside Jesus

He gave me the cross which is behind Him

I was ...

amazed to know that it was light

My God helps me to bear my yoke

and My Lord puts on His yoke on me

Matthew 11:25
28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Since...

i will come before the Lord

to place each rock,

every piece of pebble

boulders

and even a grain of sand

this is too much for me....to bear

but it is not for You Lord,

thank you for dying for my sins, guilt, shames

most of all ....my burdens

i was healed by God's touch....

childlike dreams

in a nutshell......

Life asks of us for a contribution

and it is up to us
to discover
what it should be

what it could be.....

sometimes things happen

and appear as coincidences

but...

they are not......

you can ignore that for once

but not forever

it means something

it will come back again

to haunt you

to beg for attention

in a nutshell...

what do you ask from life?

be careful of what you aks
because...

We get what we expect.

however...

We cannot perceive

what we do not expect

in a nutshell....

The greatest achievement was at first

and for a time

a dream. The oak sleeps in an acorn,

the bird waits in the egg, and
in the highest vision of the soul

a waking angel stirs.

Dream are the seedlings of realities.

in a nutshell.....

imagination rules

Albert Einstein arrived at

his scientific conclusions

about time and space

by mentally projecting himself out

among the planets where he would ride

around on moonbeams.

His ability to become childlike helped him

to become great among intellectuals.

the next time

you are riding on your imagination

remember
Setbacks are a part of the plan of things.
Off course.

Correct.

Get back on course.

you are ready for your next ride in life.

alone but not lonely

have you felt alone before....

i was sitting on a bench in my high school
facing the back of the statue of Mary, Jesus's mother
it was the first time i pondered upon that...

when was the time you felt lonely the most?


me....
in the midst of people
and yet do not feel belong
not a part of the crowd


i was always the girl sitting
on the side
observing
standing at the side


everything was like a motion picture
i was just a moviegoer
sitting before the big, wide screen
eating popcorn
nothing concerns me



my life
is all about myself

not that i had not many friends
but i have distachment disorder
i can only wonder....

then ....

i was now working freelance
self-employed
not restricted


i found myself
self-belonging

i discovered.....

i need space alone
to be involved

to function

strange to be conceived

but it makes me feel comfortable

there is time to be together,

time to be alone.
for..

reflection and thinking
it gives me comfort
adjustment time

i would rethink, rebound and
repent in those alone times

miraculously,
the loneliness is gone
aloneship cures my loneliness

Are you such a person like me?
alone but not lonely........

i hope i am not alone on this..... lonely planet!

i am a bird

Once....
i went to a conference
organised by Hope

a sister prophesied to me
" i do not know you but i see a bird
flying freely, happily in the sky
Does it mean anything to you? "

i was puzzled, muted and ...?

it was rarely that
i came out for prohecy
i felt that i know what God has for me
i do not need someone to assure me on that



it was out of ordinary,
that day.

that prophesy does not mean
much to me since


then i read a book by Anthony Robbins
inside i read, in a chapter
and i have to rank my priorities on life


and i found out that
financial independence is inferior
compared to freedom

i am a free spirited person.
everything i did was out of
freedom
searching....

find my own way
out of box mentality

i am a bird

that prohecy is realizing


the second time


a pastor prophesied to me

"you are given a gift
of administration
you will see details"


i was .....frozen

i do not want to be seeing details
people of thus
are picky, pin pointing,
full of words but no substance


i am not very enthusiastic


then i went to the second prophecy session
by the same pastor
the same camp

He said, " Your child of God
would like to give thanks
for the prohecy of gifting in
administration."


Ehm... i think i was far from gratitude
but i think i received the affirmation

there was no third attempt.


then it appears....

i was seeing things
further, deeper, more precise


at first, i was hesitant
unwilling to been as a picky or troublesome person

then, i see that it was necessary,

so i went beyond
always careful to be seen as helpful
not burdensome


finally, i am assured
i really can see details
very detailed

i was awe struck


How come?

it was not me.
it was the gifting of God to complete His Church of God.

i will never question any prophecy upon me.

Not Yet!

whispers and silence

my mum once told me
that she heard from God
when i was young

i was not yet a believer in God

She said " i heard the word David."
then, she turned the bible to look for it
ever since, she is an avid reader
until she contracted eyesight complication

How does He sounds like?
i asked my mum
She said, " Ehmm..soft. Like a whisper."
How do you know it was Him
She says, " Who else?"

I was quiet.

Finally, i believed in Him
because i need to
i have found no other purpose of living
than to grasp that i am here on the earth for a reason
i need a reason to live

i ask my brothers and sisters in church

have you heard from God?
They said confidently, "Of course."
Some says," Every Christian hears the voice of God."

i was silent

thinking "i didn't."

I wonder how does he sounds like...

then i started to see Jesus
and i learn to hear his voice

this is how it goes

One

i was in my class stunted and felt unsupported
i heard " i am here, always here."
a hand was resting on my shoulder and
i had peace
ever since

when i felt unsupported,

i remembered His touch and his voice that day
He consoles me

Two

out of humor,
i asked God
Why did you talk to me late at night, at wee morning?
He replied," Because you seek me now."

i was silent

He always had an answer for me...
i was always unable to revolt
no matter how

He melts my heart
His answer always
superceeds my expectations

three


i ask God
How to get people to serve you full hearted?
He said, " Find a purpose higher than its life."

i was puzzled for some time

then i begin to grasp
find a purpose that brings them out of self
given them a vision higher than life goals


i read somewhere
spirituality is synonym with serving people

then i understood
through serving, giving, contributing
we know that:

(1) Life is not just about us.
(2) Life offers much.
(3) What we have is so much that we are able to give and keep giving.
(4) when we serve, we remember Jesus has came to this earth to serve a mission
(5) When we serve, we serve our LOrd Jesus Christ.

God speaks when i am silent
waiting upon him....

my visions

when my brothers and sisters
told me that
they have seen God and heard from God
my heart twitched


because i have never seen him or
even hear a whisper....



i wonder if i am not humble or pure hearted


or that i have sinned against him


then one day, my heart was crushed
and broken hearted
i felt distached from this world
then i saw Him.
Vision one

i was running in a path that crosses many paths
there were so many ways to choose
and i remembered a phrase

choose a path not many have taken
make a difference

it stayed with me
i always make a difference
i am different
i am unorthodox

where ever i run, the path was always
just me.......

then i was exhausted
i bent over my knees and panted
when i rised back up

i saw someone in white in front
i ran forward to see who this is
no one ever came to my path before
then i saw Jesus

How do i know that it was Him?
because he is as pure as snow,
as gentle as a dove

i asked my Lord

"Why are you here?"
The Holy One says," i am right here waiting for you"

no words could come to my mouth
and i just stood there crying my heart out
i do not know how long i have cried

it was not tears of sorrow i poured
but tears of gratitude and
....touched by his love beyond comprehension

I told my lord,
"i would never run from you
cos no matter how far i run
how long i run

i run to you
you are always there
i know that god is omnipresent

guess what

i ran away from my Lord 3 days later
my heart was even more broken than ever before

i ask myself

why did you run again
why??

when Holy Spirit begin to touch me
i drown myself and occupy myself
i am ashamed to face him

then i can take it no more,
i come before his cross and fell

God, please take me back

Vision 2:

i saw a mighty cross before me
Jesus was on the cross
the sky was clear
He was dressed in white, holy, pure and blameless
i had a scarf around my face

i waited in anticipation
for Jesus to be crucified
i was quiet and reserved
he was near and above me.

Huge drops of blood pour down like massive rain
this vision comes to me every night for a week

my senses turn from numb to exaltation of my Lord

no matter how much i cried
it is not comparable to the blood Jesus had shed for me

first in my life
i experienced that Jesus had died for me
for the world
.....for me

it was personal
he was my personal savior

it was unconditional love he wants me to know

ever since i could literally see a cross before me
when i raise my eyes to think

his love for me becomes
my force

keeps me going

he never leaves me nor forsakes me
never abandons me


no matter how many times i have failed and sinned
he has died for me, bought back my soul and pardon through his death

he resurrects and gain victory from death and the wage of sin

i have victory
i have a new life

because He has died on the cross
because He has risen from the grave
because He is alive in me

Thank you Jesus.

for the many second chances you have given me
i think i lost count